So: if you’ve come here from the last chapter, a warm hello to you, and if you haven’t, I’ll do my level best to explain:

Caroline’s new book spans 32 chapters. Each of these chapters is now spread across 32 blogs. Below, I’m linking to the next one along, but if you’d like to read the whole thing before it’s released by the Friday Project next week, you can bimble over to Chapter Zero which is now live at the Smailes mothership.

If you haven’t read Caroline’s stuff before, try and bag a look. Her writing is made of brilliant. Here’s why:

Owing to circumstances, I’m not going into why. Mistake me for a diva, if it’s easier, and good luck to the rest.

Also, and as you’ve possibly realised already, I’m not really updating this blog any more. There’ll be another site eventually — or soon, even — but I don’t know when as it’s a rare thing I even get chance to play Internets.

So are you getting excited? Certainly I’m not. I hadn’t really thought out the logistics of doing this solo for three hours on a Saturday night. But – and this is the crucial thing – Eurovision 2008 is T-minus 70 minutes, and all across the country some very obscure flags are being laid out at dinner parties, while countless couples set about arguing on how best to present their cocktail trays to a bunch of guests who really wished they weren’t representing Iceland for the evening.

See you at 8.

An hour to go. I should say that I’ve not heard a single entry for tonight – other than the UK’s that is – so I won’t be too clued-up on what’s going on. Not that anybody ever is. That said, I’m told that France might be good.

Also I understand that nobody’s going to be interested in reading a blog about something they’re already watching, because of course if they’re not watching it then they won’t be wanting to read about it either. Think of it as a historical documenting of an event that more-or-less summarises how pointless the Twenty-First Century is.

7:43pm – While these gauche strumpets, all sharpened breasts and striking teeth, sing us out of Webber-land, I’m going to go and prepare my Eurovision snacks. Basically I’ve got peanuts. Wogan says it’s bigger than ever, by the way.

7.55pm – It’s ‘five to Wogan’, apparently. My heartbeat’s still quite slow, disappointingly.

7.58pm – I’ve not found many others liveblogging, but one or two are, hopefully: click here for one. The BBC’s now apologising profusely on account of poncing people’s monies.

8.00pm – Oh, it’s in Belgrade! I thought that’d been bombed to rubble. Or is that racist? I’m no racist. There are strange men in suits at least. I’m waiting to spot my first spaceman.

8.02pm – Crazy swan woman and boy-lady! Techno-party time! I’m putting the subtitles on in an attempt to make sense of the world. Isn’t the stage pretty? OH MY GOD THE LYRICS ARE BRILLIANT WITH SUBTITLES TURNED ON.

8.05pm – YEAH BELGRADE! There’s a woman but she’s no spacelady. There’s also a man in a silversuit and though I’m not sure of his origins fullstop, it’s pretty obviously he’s not a spaceman. He could be a cyborg. They’re kissing anyway. Very European.

ACT 1: ROMANIA

Sounds so far like a kind of upset Romanian. Then again the translated lyrics might suggest he’s singing about the SPACEWOMAN who just came on stage TO SMASH THE WORLD. Also it sounds like that song from Cats. They’re quite a handsome couple though, and they’re belting it out. Also she can’t sing – it’s like listening to a bunch of cement mixers blowing up.

ACT 2: THE UNITED KINGDOM!

Andy Abraham stumbles onto a technicoloured nightmare like he’s some kind of a gospel terrorist. He’s doing well though, considering the song’s basically a kind of Lighthouse Family rehash, shovelled up from the feet of Prince and time-travelled here from the early 90s. And yes, Andy, we want to wake up with you, too. Do we like his suit? I like his suit. That’s a fine drum kit, too.

Andy Abraham’s a dreamboat actually.

ACT 3: ALBANIA

Attractive girl holds microphone strangely and sings of ’stealing time out of my life’. Well what are you doing to mine, you great Jezebel? I strongly recommend any readers to press THEIR RED BUTTONS by the way – you get the lyrics. She’s singing a hard rock ballad with wind and stuff. It’s a little forgettable. I don’t think she’ll win.

ACT 4: GERMANY

I understand I should know these artists’ names but hey ho. I quite like Germany so far, despite the questionable and dubious thieving of Sugababes’ greatest harmonies. Actually I’m now convinced they’re all men? Are they men? My friend’s just chirped up with ‘they put the ‘Man’ in Germany. They have nice facial structures for men. ‘Why did you disappear’? one sings. Well I couldn’t say. Perhaps it’s because you’ve got a bonus sausage.

ACT 5: ARMENIA

Armenia’s entry is brilliant, it seems to be called ‘Kelly Kelly’. ‘To end our fight, just hold me tight!’ She’s sweaty though. Chris just texted to say, ‘Armenia: nice’.

ACT 6: BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINANANANANA

Oh god, this act is singing about evolution being false, from what the lyrics suggest. They seem to have a powerful drumkit. NOW THEY’RE ROCKING OUT but they’re dressed like something from Alice in Wonderland. It’s slightly unnerving my brains.

8.31pm – They’re talking about Israel now, tonight’s next act. Always a bit of a controversy. Written by previous winner.

ACT 7: ISRAEL

It’s another bloody ballad about absolutely nothing at all. No Terry; that was crap.

ACT 8: FINLAND

All right! Some heavy metal. It’s more epic fantasy metal though: they’re singing about cowards and riding forth. I’ve long thought that most of these metal bands rather miss the irony of singing about manhood while wearing spandex and leather. Also gauntlets. What are GAUNTLETS about? Falsetto = winning. Tame solo.

8.38pm – I’m already a bit bored you know.

ACT 9: CROATIA

This one’s dreadful. There seems to be an angry old man shouting and calling the audience names. As an aside, the host, whatever she’s called, the Jezebel thing, well she was saying how tonight Belgrade is the capital of the world and the CAPITAL OF JOY! I’m not sure I’m not the capital of bafflement – the shouty man just proclaimed himself ‘the first internet ever.’

ACT 10: POLAND

Cue racist murmurings and plumber jokes throughout the shires of England. Soppy ballad, not interested. She looks like she’s just fallen out of a genetic disaster; breasts like mahogany; flourescent teeth. Disgusting essentially. There’s a resemblance to Donatella Versace.

ACT 11: ICELAND

EUROBAND! PARTY TECHNO MUSICS! PARTY TECHNO BASSLINE! Finely-fettled Europop this. He seems to be singing about being in a confusing sexual relationship with his female cohort, who won’t accept that he’s gay. Chris via text notes ‘glowsticktastic’ – which is absolutely what it is.

8.50pm – Terry’s on the whine about voting. Terry, it’s okay.

ACT 12: TURKEY

This song’s called ‘Deli’. The band performing have guitars and leather jackets and catchy lines about love, not cooked meats.

8.54pm – There’s this person called Boogaloo Stu talking at me on the RED BUTTON service, you know. It’s weird. Also there’s now MORE EURO PARTY LOVE IN THE GREEN ROOM! These two media tosser presenters being all Fearne Cotton at the camera but it’s horrible because they need better teeth. The main presenter’s got a terrible beard too. ALL RIGHT SERBIA! Terry’s just stolen my joke about the guy’s beard. I wrote that first.

ACT 13: PORTUGAL

Ruinous and spiteful.

ACT 14: LATVIA

I met a Latvian once. I believe this is the pirate one. Yeah, Terry’s just told us. I shan’t do pirate jokes because every fancy-dress party I’ve ever been to in the last few years has been destroyed by this plague on social intelligence. I hate pirates, I hate pirates, with a hi hi hi and a hi ho fuck off, please. This song is basically Europop meets the drunk tosser you’ve just got speaking to at the fancy-dress party who thinks he’s got a small resemblance to Depp but who really needs a good walloping about the ears.

ACT 15: SWEDEN

FINALLY! A REAL SPACEWOMAN HAS ARRIVED! She seems to have a sextoy as a microphone. I know that’s puerile but it’s the best way to describe what she’s holding. She also looks like she’s been eating botox. This’ll probably win mind, despite it being doubleplus unrad.

ACT 16: DENMARK

Cynical hat-wearing prannock sings about sunshine and nice days in the future at some point when we’re not falling into a global recession or bombing the pants off each other. It’s also repetitive and annoyingly catchy and I want to murder it with fires.

ACT 17: GEORGIA

Sinister’s one word, but ‘PEACE WILL COME’, she tells us, dressed in her military black leather costume, fighter-jet sunglasses and severe haircut. Oh, they’ve gone white and pure now, so maybe peace will come after all.

ACT 18: UKRAINE

I love how Terry gets more and more xenophobic as the night wears on him. This is a belter though. Lots of glitchy blips and legs and acrobatic bastards having seizures by throwing their limbs about in poetic chaos, precisely in the way the best Europop seems to induce.

9.19pm – We’ve got seven more songs, you know. Then WE DECIDE THE WINNER! Oh, we’re so empowered. I bet the Tories are all screaming about EU CONSTITUTIONS! and DEMOCRACY!

ACT 19: FRANCE

This is why I love France. Their singer’s just rolled up in a golf-cart and the backing vocalists, onstensibly female, are wearing beards. There’s something distinctly Beck or Jarvis Cocker about this. It’s ace. AND he’s singing about space.

FRANCE FOR THE WIN!

ACT 20: AZERBAIJAN

Oh god he’s amazing too. Eunuch-man strikes. No clue what’s going on though, there’s just a loud and frightening man dressed like an angel and a guy dressed in black being cool and dynamic at the side. Also microphone issues. If this wins we should never enter Eurovision again.

ACT 21: GREECE

Sounds lurid. Looks like the end of the world.

ACT 22: SPAIN

Isn’t taking himself seriously at all. The lighting’s also going to ruin an epileptic’s fun. He’s singing absolute gibberish about dancing in schools and dead men dancing and Robocop. Really.

ACT 23: SERBIA

‘Who cuddles, you, my love? Don’t forget my name When she gives you a kiss, Don’t sleep, my golden fields, Kiss him, sing me a lullaby, DON’T BREAK MY ICE, THERE IS NO WATER?’

Pardon? And what does this mean? ‘Nuna nuna nuna nuna nuna nai?’ It’s 9.39pm. Terry’s pissed I think.

ACT 24: RUSSIA

Well, they aren’t so much European as they still essentially own half of it. Shame they’ve sent a writhing wazzock with a shameful beard to tell us why that’s all right.

ACT 25: NORWAY

Final song, this. Andy’s but a distant memory. This isn’t bad but then I’m not sure what constitutes good anymore on account of my brains leaking down my top in little pieces of disappointment. Maybe if they doubled this programme up and repeated it twice a day there’d be a serious breach of the Geneva conventions at some point. But as I say, this isn’t bad. Just Aryan.

9.50pm – a giant has arrived to open the phonelines. I don’t get anything that happens on the Continent but I like it.

Gary’s just been in touch to say Croatia and Spain were his favourites. Thoughts?

Going for a cigbreak. Back in a moment. Enjoy Serbian culture for a time.

10.10pm - well this is all very Eurovisual. Smug ugly men serenading us while demons in blue and red costumes loll about the stage.

10.12pm - The demon-people just won’t stop dancing. It’s descending from farce, through terror, into disturbing.

10.15pm - Terry’s just got his shout-out. Lovely. And now those idiots in the green room are back. Terry’s ripping them to bits; it’s making for good Eurovision. You just know he votes UKIP as a result of the severe scarring he’s dealt each year.

10.18pm – RESULTS! UK gives 12 points to Greece. Pervs.

10.19pm – FYR Macadonia gives somebody 12. (Help?)

10.20pm - Ukraine gives Russia 12. I give up. Britain’s getting pasted anyhow. Or just ignored, which is more ignoble and much less dignified.

10.25pm – Clearly this is political ESPIONAGE. I’ll be a Euro-sceptic by the end of tonight. Russia isn’t even Euro-bloody-pean! Probably we’ve forgotten that a good few countries in Europe are massively racist and that our beloved Andy was one of the few black performers tonight.

10.30pm – I’ve completely forgotten who sang what now. Greece to win, because people like boobies. We got six points from our ex-pats in San Marino.

10.32pm – Poor Terry.

10.35pm – Massacred. These savages wouldn’t know what music was if it sat in their toilets and blew itself up.

10.45pm – Russia’s song is dogshit, frankly.

10.50pm – Even Malta have deserted poor old Andy.

11.00pm – Swedish chap can’t speak at all… it’s brilliant. Well, in context. You’d not really write about it even though I patently am. ‘Ice… Land…’ he stumbles, ‘and Swe… den.’

11.05pm – A ‘chiver’ is a flower, I think. People keep asking.

11.06pm – Russia win. UK come last. World ends with intercontinental ballistic fireworks.

In conclusion:

I wanted to see something heavy plow through the roof. It’s not so much the political voting that’s annoying as the Russian song being so terrible. You’ve got to wonder if Putin’s pulled a Franco anyway, so’s to impress his new lackey. You’ve also got to wonder if Russia’ll win again next year under threat of powercuts.

Good night.